Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
