thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
