The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
this beer tastes like vomit already
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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