i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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