I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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