life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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