i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
