3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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