I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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