found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
