Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
