My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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