WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
