I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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