you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
