Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
