is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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