New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
