My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
