She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize