I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
