Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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