i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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