Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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