id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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