They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
