Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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