I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
