Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
