i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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