so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
