it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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