i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
