i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
