saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
