I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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