My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
