i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize