I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
