Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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