i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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