the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
