The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
