I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize