I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
