I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
