im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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