Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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