just survived the first fart of the relationship.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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