I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
