My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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