Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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