Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
