Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
