i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
