he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dicks are not precious.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
