Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
