the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
