when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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